Author: Jason Doucette

Things I have learned on my vacation:

1. This is my mom’s home page.
2. While setting the Airport to use dialup was mostly painless, getting a 5 year old network card to work in a 4 year old computer with a 7 year old operating system was not, and there will be no happy mingling of Macs and PCs in the home this season.
3. Sugar is tasty.
4. You can search all you want in Toronto, but if you drive three hours, you can find four Vanilla Ice CDs in the same store. I went with the live album, because I figured it would provide the best picture of the man. Last Christmas was spent reading his biography (Ice by Ice), so this is really just continuing the trend.
5. Things that make noise are the best presents, but if you’re going to give something that records voice memos, make sure you know how to erase your test messages before wrapping the present, or you risk having your girlfriend’s father ask what “mofo” means.
6. The Vans Rowley XLTs look great, but there’s no way they’ll have your size when they’re half price. This is for your protection.
7. I have two days to go.

Hope everyone’s having a good time wherever they are.

Ok, six or so hours of walking around the mighty city of Toronto (in new shoes, no less), and that’s what it takes to be done with the shopping rituals. Some minor wrapping and tidying chores remain, plus the packaging of the Christmas opus, and I’m past the point of no return. All I’m focussing on from now on is geographical convergence. If I can get into the right spots at the right time, things will just happen, and that’s all I have to say about it.

I had lunch at some cheap veggie restaurant, where they prepare the food in big batches in advance, so I know if there’s any spit in the food, it wasn’t because of something I did. I sat next to two older women, and they were yammering on about mind over matter and visualization techniques and whatnot, and it’s revealed to the snacking audience that one of the women had been separated before learning these mindblowing concepts. That’s separated from her husband, mind you, but wouldn’t it have made for a more interesting In Passing snippet if she’d been physically split into multiple pieces, and then she’d gone to study visualization techniques and she’d managed to literally rebuild her life to the point where she could have a boring conversation in a cheap veggie restaurant? I know I’m going to catch some kind of flack for criticizing this woman in some way, but it was messing with my meal, and now I’m wondering what I’m going to be like in 20 years, and how much I’m going to bore people.

I’m already well on my way. I was shopping yesterday, and the goal was to find the dumbest video game that had enough redeeming qualities to make it a cool gift for reasons other than the game itself. I won’t go into details, since the gift hasn’t been given yet, but it wasn’t really a game that anyone who cared about videogames would buy. I went to the counter, and the sales guy was helpful and friendly, and asked if there was anything else I’d like. I said something like “no”, but I said it enthusiastically, with a “damn I just found the best gift ever” kind of tone, and that, combined with my many (individually cut, might I remind you) gray hairs, combined with the gold colour of the piece of plastic, likely convinced the sales guy that I was some clueless old guy buying something for his nephew or something, because my nephew really likes the game things, like that Tetris thing I read about once. Or something. While my valuable find was being processed, I saw some cool controllers on the wall and asked about them. The response was something like “yep, the new technology’s really something, sir”. It was pretty funny, except it was happening to me, and he thought he was being clever and I didn’t know. Anyway, that’s my side of the story, you can find his website to see him laugh about his point of view. I’m sure it’s on Google somewhere.

I just tried to find it, and surprise, I couldn’t but I did stumble across this job posting for a tester that claims to have 5 errors in the ad, and I’m somewhat ashamed to say I only found four. I could look further, but I won’t. I’m of the opinion that some grammar is subjective, so maybe one of the mistakes is something that I’ve accepted into “common usage” or something. Hell, maybe the fifth mistake is in “Canadian”. Anyone want to try? It’s not like I’m applying for the job, so you’re not doing my homework or anything; you’re just proving that you’re better than me.

This entry’s album: The Tragically Hip, Fully Completely. Yep, I’m going to list music for a while. It’s old and tired, I know, but it’ll (possibly) get me to vary my playlist.

We’re entering into the final holiday stretch, where I frantically realize that I have no suitable gift for AngelA, despite having come up with plans A through F. Actually it’s still good, and tomorrow should steal the deal. That was probably supposed to be “seal the deal”, but somehow in this huge commercialpalooza, that seems more appropriate. Now, before you get all “stop trying to buy love” on me, I’ll have you know that it’s fully tax deductible. Ok, not really, but we’re at that magic point in the relationship where we both like pretty much the same things, so anything I get for her is basically a present for me. I do have a tradition of attempting some insane production that takes far more time than money, and this year is no exception, but I may have overstepped my abilities this time. Whatever, tomorrow I’ll cover it in frosting, and if that doesn’t do it, I’ll just, I don’t know, cut off my big toe. Or something. I can’t say any more than that in case AngelA actually reads this.

In the meantime, I’ve been bouncing from party to party, and it can’t be a party in December without a Secret Santa gift exchange. So far, I’ve scored a bottle of port, a keychain with a vomitting baby on it, and a few other things that deserve further commentary. Nothing against the booze or the keychain, but I can’t say too much more about them, is all.

A magazine – not just any magazine, this is the January 2003 issue of Seventeen, featuring an interview with Avril Lavigne, and it also has several quizzes (I’m ruled by my spirit, so if I see a cute boy I like, I’m supposed to do whatever my body tells me to do.) Interestingly, the subscription offer cards have a deal that will give me 44% off the cover price, based on a cover price that doesn’t exist, but I have to add the GST myself. The GST is a Canadian tax, and in fact this offer is only good in Canada, but that doesn’t stop the reply card from being “no postage necessary if mailed in the United States“. I don’t think like a 12 year old girl, apparently. Yet.

Fridge Magnets – they’re shaped like push pins. The copy on the back prevents them from ever getting opened, because it’s not often that you see these three words used together: “Strong. Impressive. Small.”

Touchable Bubbles – This is all the text on the front of the package: “Touchable Bubbles… The incredible bubbles you can touch! Safe… Non-Toxic… Do not drink the bubble solution” That would be the non-toxic solution, right? The back is a lovely sampling of Engrish: “Wait a few seconds and see the colorful bubbles change the color”, “The film is easily quitted, wiped or flushed by water, so it won’t cause any pollution”, and a few other gems.

We’re moving into the family round now, so the gifts might not be as funny, but all I know is I’m on vacation and I don’t have much packaging to do. Life’s geting sweet.

This picture was on the front page of a couple of newspapers yesterday. I’m in Canada. I imagine there was similar treatment in the USA. It’s Colin Powell pointing at the camera, with a headline of “‘Real Prospect’ of Iraq War“. It’s probably a “next question – you with the camera” pose, but of course it looks like an “I’m coming for you” thing. I can’t be bothered to read the article, but this is a turning point in political propaganda.

Politicians have mastered the soundbite for the 6 o’clock news. Now they’ve got the poses down. You know where this is going, and I want them to get on with it.

I want my goddamned arena rock politics.

I want pyrotechnics in that White House press room. I want Dubya to jump up and down and wiggle his groin in the face of the press. Literally. And war paint, definitely war paint. The next presidential election should have a guy who always wears a mask. I want the press throwing their underwear at the podium. They can say it’s to attract the younger generation, but who are we kidding? We’ve got a bunch of 8 year olds with access to nuclear bombs.

Why can’t the rest of Apple’s free apps be like iTunes?

I’m organizing my mp3s on the new (still unnamed) G4. Believe it or not, I actually own most of the music on this box, I’m just too lazy to find the CDs in my 9 million disc player. Anyway, I grab the files from Limewire, copy them into an iTunes Music directory, drag the new files into iTunes, and the thing takes the info from the mp3 tags and rearranges the files based on the album. And if there’s no album info in the tags, the thing has auto complete. On top of all that, the stuff now works semi-properly with my piece of crap Rio One player. This gives me great hope for the rest of the iCrap – they’ve got until version 3 to make it good.

I hate getting my hair cut. I never know how to describe what I want, and that, combined with a tendency to go to places with the word “cuts” in the name of the business results in a different look each time. It’s usually passable, but it’s still a stressful thing. Sure, if I was to go to some fancy place where they serve you coffee while you’re waiting and if I went more often than once every six weeks (at which time my hair has deviated excessively from the original look), I might have a better time of it, but that would conflict with my overall lack of aesthetical sense. I went four years without a haircut once for these very reasons. It just grew, and once a year the ends would get trimmed off.

Today I did something about this.

That’s right.

I am now a barber.

Yep, I cut my own hair. And why not? Girls seem to be able to do this easily enough, and I’m big on equality! The people that usually cut my hair don’t generally have a university degree in physics, and how can you cut hair without a thorough grasp of physics, like I happen to have (on paper, anyway)? On a similar note, AngelA left about an hour before and wouldn’t be coming back for at least 24 hours, and that definitely called for a round of bachelor university. I even knew where the scissors were, and they were that kind with the curly bit of metal on one finger loop – barber scissors! Why, that’s like leaving a loaded gun around, as far as I’m concerned. I’m so not to blame here.

I tried cutting my own hair about six years ago, and it didn’t exactly go well. I figured it was time to give it another try, because if nothing else, well, I know a lot more HTML. That’s really all the rationalizing I need to do about something, folks. This time I didn’t try to use clippers, opting for the pure-scissors approach. I figured that this would take me longer, allowing my (obviously) confused brain time to take corrective action if things started going really bad. Also I didn’t have clippers.

I started with the top, because it’s usually encased in gel anyway, so I had a good chance of sculpting any bad mistakes out. I moved to the sides after that, but that was mostly because my head looked weird with the sides longer than the top. I knew I was in a bit of trouble, but it was mid afternoon and I hadn’t started drinking yet, so there was lots of time. The back of my head was a bit of a problem, because I couldn’t arrange mirrors in any combination to see it, but I really didn’t want to end up with a mullet, so I kind of went blindly at it. Later I used my digital camera and camcorder (works great with the mirror) to guide me through trouble spots.

The whole operation took about an hour and a half, which I think I could get down to an hour with a little more practice. It was tricky making the scissors do what I wanted while looking in a mirror, and I had to figure out how best to hold my hair for cutting. I got the hang of things after 45 minutes or so. I knew I was getting better when I stopped trying to think what I would tell the hairdresser when I went to get everything fixed.

Things looked good enough to chance going to work. Nobody said anything, which I take to be a victory, because our group likes to prey on the weak. It’s a team building thing, as long as you’re not on the weak team, which usually only has one person. I went shopping after that, and I must have looked different because someone asked me if I was a student, which could mean my new ‘do is very youthful, or that it’s really obvious that I cut my own hair to save up beer money. (For the record, I got the student discount).

The plan right now is to never see a barber again, but AngelA comes back tomorrow, so we’ll see…

I like free stuff.

I’ve been dowloading a lot of 30 day trials versions of software. After doing a lot of HTML in vi, the Macromedia suite is pretty nice to throw ideas together in a hurry. Photoshop Elements is also pretty fun, probably because I’ve never seen Photoshop 7. I’ve only made cursory passes at these apps, and time’s running out, but I imagine I’ll play enough to make my wallet itch.

Digital photos are also nifty, if only because they’re free after the initial hardware outlay (and they don’t use gelatin). I took 111 pictures at The Golden Dogs show last night, and I think about 3 turned out like I thought they would (I was being optimistic). That’s actually not too bad, if you consider that I’d been doing some heavy DOS attacking on my liver a few hours earlier, there was low light, and I didn’t move from my seat the whole show. Back to free stuff, it was also an opportunity to try iPhoto, which I’m not too impressed with. The zoom feature when you’re organizing photos is fun to play with (I make race car noises while I use it), but the organizing part really sucks. Besides iTunes, I haven’t been too crazy about any of the free Apple products. Maybe I’m being too hard on them and I should spend some extra time to “learn”, but dammit, this is from Apple. It should make sense in the first pass. Just a small example: if I’m looking at the picture, I can’t drag it to another program, but I can if I’m looking at thumbnails. When you’ve got 111 pictures that all look pretty much the same, you learn to like the view function. Ah well, I’m probably just tainted from my PC days, where nothing worked either, but it didn’t work differently.

Sorry if I left anyone hanging with the Golden Dogs reference, they were great, as usual. I like the Cameron House for their shows, as long as I get a seat. I don’t think the beer guy liked me. I got in his way when I got there and he mostly ignored me the rest of the time. The beer was pretty affordable, but check it out: it was more expensive than the Golden Dogs 6 song EP, which can be had for a mere 5 Canadian dollars, and presumably some postal fees or something. Buy one for your parole officer this holiday season.

I was having too much fun working on the new VP, so I started some Christmas shopping. No fun. I needed one gift for tomorrow, and after about two hours I had it all sorted out, except for the card. Card shopping is painful in the best of conditions, but today I also had to contend with holiday lineups. Fortunately, I packed an MP3 player, which defended me against the horrible music, so I just had to deal with the pathetic selection of cards.

What I don’t get about card selection is that there are new cards coming out every day, and they still almost entirely suck. I guess people started buying cards from their dogs, so now they have cards from their dogs to other dogs. We were talking about it on the weekend, and we’re waiting for the You’re Welcome card to keep the conversational cash flowing. Picture the cycle: you send a gift (with a card), the recipient sends a thank you card, and you send them a card that has a nice flowing “You’re Welcome” on the front, and something inside along the lines of “really, it was nothing, I’m so glad you like it. Sincerely, the dog”. Just wait, it’s just around the corner…

VP 2.0 is up and running. I can’t wait to see how many error reports I get… Then again, the old code was pure crap and nobody noticed. Very tired, many fun stories, but all will happen tomorrow.

Ok, this might only make sense to some Canadians, but I’ve finally come to terms with an issue I’ve developed from watching Heritage Foundation TV Ads. Here’s how I dealt with it.

AngelA sent it to me, it’s the best link ever, and you can make it use any two words. What’d you pick? Huh? Huh?